


Unwanted Thoughts

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-23
Updated: 2005-01-26
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:39:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A little snip-it of Brian's inner-dialogue when he is alone in the loft after Justin leaves him for Ethan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I have to remember to drop off the dry-cleaning. Two suits: Prada charcoal and… Shit. 

How did one of Justin’s shirts get in with my laundry? 

And of course it had to happen now. 

I had him out of my head for ten minutes, my personal best. 

I wonder if he is eating enough and if he picked up his allergy medicine. 

Does Ethan know about the sensitive spot behind his ear, where if you lick it, he holds his breath until you stop?

Was he that unhappy? 

I didn’t try hard enough; I know that. 

But, is he happy now? 

Will that kid give him all the things I wouldn’t? 

He deserves someone amazing. 

I am going to have to find a way to give him some money again. 

Over tipping him at the diner is always easy. 

But, I wish I could find another excuse, like the Carnival poster. 

Fuck! Shake it off, shake him out of your mind. 

Right, dry-cleaning, think about the dry-cleaning.


	2. Unwanted Thoughts

My feet are cold.

They always seem to be lately.

God, Ethan is a heavy sleeper.

I guess I am just used to sleeping with Brian.

But, Ethan is great. 

He might not give me goose bumps when he walks into the room or four orgasms a night, but he is romantic and we make love tenderly.

Though I do miss being fucked into the mattress from time to time.

That part of my life is in the past, no apologies, no regrets.

Shit! I cannot escape him.

He has become the voice in my head, Brian Fucking Kinney.

Nevertheless, Ethan feels right, most of the time he does.

In a lot of ways Brian and Ethan are alike, both are egotistical, charming, talented, determined.

And completely different too.

Brian isn’t romantic, but Ethan isn’t as straight forward.

Ethan’s friends are young and arrogant, Brian’s friends are, well, my family.

Ethan is reaching for me now, searching the bed for me.

Brian never had to search, I was always right there next to him.

I suppose that is another difference.

I’ll go back to sleep.

I usually feel better in the mornings.


	3. Unwanted Thoughts

Run.

Run until your muscles burn away this ache.

This ache.

I saw him at the diner and now I ache.

I thought this would get easier.

Or rather, I hoped it would.

Damn it, he looked amazing.

Better than me at least.

It is so ironically fitting.

When I was with him, I tried to convince him that all my tricks were faceless.

Meaningless.

But now that he’s gone, they aren’t.

They’re him.

I hallucinate and see him, I am fucking him. 

And they have gained meaning too.

They are there to fill this place up.

This place in my body, my bed.

My home, my day.

My life.

But, no matter how long or hard I fuck them, I can’t dull this ache.

And no amount of hours on this treadmill will wipe him away.

Don’t stop running or it might consume you.

Come on, suck it up you pussy.

Run.


	4. Unwanted Thoughts

Jeez, could this professor be any more boring?

He brings new meaning to the word monotone.

Good thing that doodling keeps me entertained.

And I am drawing my favorite subject: cock.

Big, long, and thick.

Now, just some shading to make it life- like.

Perfect.

Wait…

It’s…

Brian.

How could I doodle that?

I am with Ethan.

I shouldn’t be thinking about, let alone drawing, Brian’s dick.

It must be subconscious.

I used to draw it practically everyday in high school.

Subconscious, that’s all it is.

Maybe if I crumple up this piece of paper I can get him out of my God damned subconscious.

But I can’t, I know that.

When he walked into the diner yesterday, I knew it was Brian.

Before I saw him, before he spoke, I could feel him walk in.

I can feel him.

He didn’t love me enough, if at all.

Ethan loves me and tells me all the time.

Fuck!

Of course Brian loved me, but as Ethan said, in his way, not mine.

If only I could convince my subconscious.


	5. Unwanted Thoughts

This loft is so empty, so cold.

Why didn’t I ever realize that before?

It feels like ice.

Better that way though.

When you start to feel warmth, you get fucked over.

I should have learned my lesson years ago.

Dear ‘ole Dad, Mom and that cunt, Clare, should have prepared me.

They should have been some kind of training for this pain.

Justin.

But, I guess not, I brought this on myself.

I pushed him away.

He just walked away from me, back to him.

He saved my ass and all I could say was thanks.

God, I wanted to touch him.

It literally hurt not to grab him and kiss him.

He touched me for the first time in a month.

As he was fastening the bracelet to my wrist, electricity surged through me.

Every cell in my body was urging me to have some kind of contact with him.

Pride.

Always my fucking pride

For a minute, I felt sated.

Standing an arm’s length away from him, looking into his eyes.

I felt like a sane person again.

Fuck it!

Time for Jim Beam, the only man I need in my life.


	6. Unwanted Thoughts

God damn Ethan, why did he have to sign the contract?

Don’t be mad at Ethan, be furious with Brian.

Fucking piece of shit!

Why did he have to say anything at all?

“There’s nothing noble about being poor”?

Like Brian would know anything about nobility.

And somethings never change.

Backroom, Brian, trick.

And he called me… that terrible thing.

The thing I feared I was from the beginning of my gay life. 

Nothing more than a piece of blonde boy ass.

Yeah, that’s a very noble thing to say.

Asshole.

He has never done a noble thing in his life, especially not for me.

Besides come to my prom.

Take me into his loft.

Break all of his relationship rules. 

Let me leave him without guilt.

Pay for my school.

And I suspect punch his best friend in the face.

No! You’re mad, furious, irate.

Fuck! How does he do that?

I can still not stay mad at him.

Still.


	7. Unwanted Thoughts

Okay, tagline, tagline.

I need a tagline, something to catch the consumer’s attention.

Hair care products, I use enough of them, I should get this in no time.

Okay, the product’s name is “Dirty Blonde”…

How about, “If being blonde is more fun, try being a “Dirty Blonde”?

Justin.

Shit! 

No matter what I do, he seeps into my mind!

He looked like hell yesterday, and I had to make it worse with a smart-ass remark.

I can never leave well enough alone.

It is obvious that he and Ethan had a fight.

And I am the insensitive bastard who had to point out that I knew, but what else is new, right?

Intriguing though. 

Maybe, they will break-up and…

No, you can’t think that way! 

Even if they broke up AND he wanted you back, could you let him in a second time?

He could do this to you again; you barely survived as is.

You have made progress, don’t fuck it up! 

Don’t let those thoughts plague your mind, not anymore.

Let him go, let him be happy, without you.

He isn’t your dirty blonde anymore. 

He’s gone.


	8. Unwanted Thoughts

Is this what I left Brian for?

To sit alone at Woody’s and wonder if my boyfriend is cheating on me?

To regret my decision to love and trust him?

To stew here, wanting to crawl out of my skin?

The ring he gave me is glaring into my eyes, convincing me of his betrayal.

At least with Brian, I knew.

It wasn’t this kind of hurt, because he was honest.

But this… I can’t stand not knowing.

Oh shit…

Is this what I did to Brian?

Was he waiting around for me?

Wondering who else I was fucking?

Who else I was loving?

I have a thousand emotions running flowing through me all at once.

Empty, anxious, deserted…

No, I know the perfect word to describe me:

Pathetic.

I wanted romance, pretty words and violin music.

And now I’m fucked.

I left the most beautiful man in Pittsburg.

The best lay on Liberty Avenue. 

For nothing.

Now I understand, Brian never would have broken our arrangement.

But, I did repeatedly.

And everyone thinks he’s the asshole.

They’re wrong, it’s me.

* * *

Sorry I haven't written in so long, I had a crazy holiday season! Enjoy!

* * *


End file.
